Popjustice loves the Scissor Sisters. Here is an interview with Jake Shears from out of the band. Jake Shears isn't actually his real name but that's popstars for you. He's the one standing next to the lady.

Jake. Would you wank David Beckham off in the back of a limo?

Oh my God, yeah. I'd do a lot more than wank him off. He's… Uh… Absolutely.

Did you see the pictures the other week?

No. Pictures? You're fucking kidding me. What did the pictures show?

Posh with her hand down his jeans.

But… Oh my god. That's so hot. That's really… That's sexy. Her boney arm reaching down his pants. Actually that's disgusting. I want to see that picture.

Shall we email it to you?

Yes, send it to jake@scissorsisters.net. And you can print that address, too.

Are you using this interview to pick up men, Jake?

Oh absolutely. I want all your readers to send me their pictures. I need some hot dates while I'm here in the UK.

Are you a good driver?

Ewww, no. I don't believe I should be driving cars. But I'm not as bad a driver as Del from the band, who managed to crash his van in New York last week. Babydaddy now has amazing giant gashes on his forehead. I think crashing into a wall is pretty rock and roll.

Britney is dressed as an air hostess in her new video. Is that a good look?

An air hostess? I'm trying to imagine it. Is it a stylised air hostess, or is it bad like British Airways? I would rather see her dressed as a McDonald's employee because that's where she's headed.

How many stars would she have on her badge?

They have stars? That's fantastic. Well I think she'd be very good at flipping burgers and making French fries, so she's have lots of stars. She'd be a five-star employee.

A 44-year-old goldfish has been found in Devon.

Are you serious?

Yes. What will you be doing when you're 44?

Gosh. That's about 20 years away. I would love to be doing this, still. It sounds crazy but that's what I want. I would love to be writing songs. For as long as I possibly can. I wouldn't want to be working with Britney at McDonalds. Though if I was I'd want to work on the drivethru window. It's a bit sexier. You wouldn't be able to see where my hands were.

Whipping up a vanilla shake?

Oh, more of a snowcone.

You're living in a Monkees-style house with the rest of the band. Do you have a fireman's pole?

I do. I had three of them sitting on it last night. How can I rephrase that to be funny? Sorry.

Tell us about being bottled off stage before Christmas, Jake.

Well, we did get a bottle thrown on stage although I will say that we kicked ass in that performance. We really did. We were opening at the Astoria – we walked out on stage and it was packed. We only had twenty minutes to show our sutff. There was one bottle thrown. However – that entire place was captivated. And I can't say the same for the rest of the bands.

Who were they?

Graham Coxon, Martina Topley-Bird… Some of it was a bit shoegazey, but I was pleased with our set.

The only people who should be allowed to shoegaze are people with good shoes, don't you think?

That's very true. You should see my shoes! They're so horrible! Oh, they're terrible! I have these huge, really flat feet and I had to go and see a doctor about them. He made these inserts for me but not only that, I have to wear these, like, ‘special' shoes. I look so lame. They're the most ridiculous things. I'm going to have to spraypaint them silver. They're hideous. I just don't know what to do with them.

Ashanti has a similar problem.

Really? That's interesting. If I get photographed in these white sneakers, it's all over.

Anything else?

Yeah! Keep talking! Keep talking to me!

What about?

Oh, I don't know. Got any ideas? Ooh - I finally met Neil Tennant! I met him in a restaurant last week! He was fantastic. He was just super, super, super cool. I was eating dinner and he was at the next table. I turned and had a conversation with him, and he was really nice.

Well that brings us to the end of the interview.

Great. How did I do?

You passed.

Amazing! That was pretty funny, right?